Testimony from Elisabeth


From lisabeth59840 (Elisabeth) on:

Sathya Sai Baba Discussion Club, message 1018:


Date: 11/16/00 2:24 p.m.

Hello, Well... to summarize my experience of Sai, I suppose I was always seeking some spiritual guide or master. Yogananda and Ramakrishna attracted my devotion to some extent but when I came into Baba's orbit about 30 years ago it was much more intense, mainly because of frequent vivid dreams of Baba, which set that "relationship" apart from others previous and since. Went to India for the fiftieth birthday and stayed several months. That experience was essentially disillusioning. Much contradiction, "cognitive dissonance," no inner contact. Also one young man in our group experienced the usual genital rubbing, which should have disturbed us all but which we tried to rationalize away as some sort of help with his sexual urges. Our unwillingness to confront doubts disturbs me in retrospect. Honesty among ourselves was quickly lost. Upon my return home I found my previous burning faith in Baba was much diminished. At a certain point I completely stopped having dreams of him and felt as though something had changed in his aura. For the last ten years or more my feeling has been "I would love to love you, Baba, but I don't trust you."
I now feel that my intense quest for someone to lean on spiritually was something I had to outgrow. I continue to strive against the tendency in myself to seek something or someone else to take the place that Sai Baba once held in my inner world.
That's about it... Thank you for enduring my presence -- I have a strong feeling that I don't really belong here, as it seems to be time to disentangle the traces of SB from my life. So please forgive me if I cease posting. May we all continue to flourish in our own ways!

With appreciation,