The story of Said
Note: this letter was originally published on the site "THE NEURAL SURFER" by Dr. David Lane. This story is here reproposed under permission from both Dr. Lane and the author Said.
WARNING: this page contains material of sexual and explicit nature, which could hurt the sensibility of those reading here, and particularly the sensibility of those having faith in Sai Baba. This as a due warning: please refrain from reading this page, if you get hurted by this arguments, or if as a Sai Baba devoted person you couldn't bear this story.
Sai Baba, Testicles, and Sleight of Hand:
a letter by an ex-devotee (Said)
Publisher: The NEURAL SURFER
Publication date: May 1997
From firstname.lastname@example.org Tue May 27 09:45:33
Hello Professor Lane, as we had talked, I am giving you a thorough account of my experiences with Sai Baba. I hope that this will be of interest to people and will help them to understand what Baba is all about. Thank you for giving me the chance to write this essay.
I first got to know of Sai Baba in 1985 or 1986 through my brother. His friend had given him a book on Sai Baba which had a picture of Baba on the cover. I asked my brother who this person is and he explained to me what he so far knew about him. Being born a Moslem I rejected Baba from the very beginning because I couldn't believe that another person - another human form if you want to be philosophical about it - could be God.
It wasn't until 1990 or 1991 that I started to believe in Baba. At that time in my life I was very confused about life and the purpose of my existence. Many unanswered questions were in my mind and I was very confused and unhappy. Having heard of the "miracles" of Sai Baba through my brother who WAS A DEVOTEE OF SAI BABA, I thought to myself that if Baba can do such miracles, then he must know more about life, the world, the purpose of life, etc. I then started taking Sai Baba seriously. I started reading about him and also his teachings. Now that I look back, in all my confusion and mental torment, I was so desperate to believe in some philosophy that I jumped to believe in Baba and his philosophy. Also, I came to believe that Sai Baba is God by reasoning that he MUST BE A HOLLY PERSON, and so he couldn't lie. If he can't tell a lie, then he is God because he says so. When I came to this conclusion, I felt as though I was in heaven. Could you imagine a day when God or a Messenger of God comes to earth and you get to be with him, close to him, see him, talk to him, etc? Could you imagine being next to the Messenger of God and believe full heartedly that He will save you? Could there be a better situation and feeling? That is how I felt and that's how people feel when they first come to Sai Baba or any other person who says they are a Messenger or are divine or are in contact with God. At the beginning of my following Baba, I felt in seven heaven for months. I couldn't get enough of looking at his pictures, meditating, reading his teachings and living life in accordance with his teachings, etc. I was totally being absorbed by him and his philosophy. Looking at other Sai devotees - followers - I found out that this is true for all devotees, that all who come to Baba, are in ecstasy first few months and later become very mentally distressed individuals. I am sure the current Sai devotees would dispute this but I have seen it over and over again. When I was feeling mentally distressed for reasons that I will soon explain, I would tell anyone and everyone that meeting Sai Baba was the best thing that happened to me and that I had never been happier. It wasn't until much after that I realized that I was fooling myself to the point that I totally ignored and thought that there was no pain. Upon my studies on psychology, I realized that humans tend to do that. They tend to pretend something is true, to the point that it looks more and more as reality to them while others can see those short comings in them. I have seen many short comings in Sai devotees which they claim are not there.
So, I was very happy to have come to know of Sai Baba, of God. I put his teachings into practice fully. Slowly, I started to wear out. Baba's teachings are very hard and I couldn't keep up with them. For example it was hard to try to remember God at all times, especially when you have to concentrate on your daily tasks and God at the same time. I started feeling guilty for not being able to live up to Baba's teachings and I would tell myself that I should be ashamed of myself for not doing what God wants me to do. Who or what kind of person gets to know God first hand and have the good chance to know him, while many billions of people don't know him, and still not follow his teachings? I was failing on many instances, such as remembering God, being celibate, not listening to the desires of the body, the senses, the mind, etc. I had a very hard time remembering God and not falling to temptations. I was 19 or 20 and my hormones were exploding. Everytime I met Baba, he would tell me to control my sexuality and so on and I wasn't able to. When the hormones were going full swing I would try to ignore my "bad" thoughts by trying to remember God. 99.99999% of time I would fail. I would play with myself - I didn't have any girlfriends or even girls as friends with whom I could possibly start a relationship; having girls around could arise temptations and would be very bad for spirituality, so I thought. So, I would play with myself and when doing so I would feel very guilty and when finished I would feel a thousand times more guilty. I would scorn myself to many things like being disobedient to God, not having enough faith, not having enough will power, not loving God - Sai Baba - full heartedly, etc. You might be asking me why I am emphasizing guilt. As a result of all of this I became very depressed and also I had a lot of paranoia. I came to the point that from the pain, my chest felt like had opened and I could feel every cell in my chest blowing from the pain as if they were boiling water. At the same time I was very paranoid about things. After years of telling myself that I was stupid and not good enough, I had somehow come to the belief that I was crazy. I would interpret every sentence ten different ways. And I was very confused as to which of the ten was the right meaning. Can you imagine thinking you are crazy and interpret things as such? Could you imagine doubting every single thought you have? Could you imagine thinking to yourself if your understanding of every single thing is correct? It gives such pain that I cannot explain, and I am not only making it big, but since you haven't felt it, it is small. I had to choose between the face value and the ten other meanings which I had come up with. And what did Baba do or how did Baba direct me at my times of need? Well, in all my interviews he would scorn me for not being strong enough, he would tell me to just do, never try, just do. He told me that I was very weak. If he knew anything about my situation, he would tell me something to bring my spirits up, instead of daring to tell me things to further break me down. When he told me I was weak, I would be harder on myself when I fell again. I would tell horrible things to myself, such things as "It is no wonder you are stupid...", "Baba has read you nicely, you are so stupid.", etc. This kind of self-bashing had become a trend of thought which I still fight. The simplest thing Baba could do was to tell me to not feel guilty. But instead he was satisfying his own DESIRES in the private interviews with me.
As a result of all this depression and paranoia I slowly got away from practicing the teachings of Sai Baba. Everytime I would try to do what he said, I would feel more depressed and paranoid. Of course, it was very hard to do so, as I still believed in the divinity of Baba and his teachings. What gave me a real push was a movie which my brother - another brother who is a non-devotee of Baba - gave me regarding Sai Baba. The movie was filmed by a Korean research group which visited Baba. They caught him cheating on the "materialization" of a necklace. The picture was so clear and it sent me into shock. However, it took me over six months to come to deal with the movie. During this six months, everytime a thought of the movie came to my mind I would push it away and destroy it as was a trend of my mind by then. All "negative" thoughts or thoughts that are obstacles to my "faith" were to be destroyed immediately and replaced with "good" thoughts. So, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that the movie showed, I had a hard time dealing with it until over six months later. Any thought that Baba might be cheating or might not be God made my stomach so very much upset and my mind so very disturbed. But eventually I had to deal with the problem. When I had finally dealt with the movie, then it was time to look for any reasons which Baba would do such a thing. This had also become a trend of mind, which is very much prevalent within the Sai devotees. In any situation, Sai devotees, would start to logic by saying "Baba is God, therefore he is fully pure". Then all else was put into perspective based on that. After a while this sentence is passed and you make all decisions based on this sentence subconsciously. I made up some reasons as to why Baba would cheat on that particular materialization. Of course, I thought that Baba was cheating on that particular materialization. Another idea which is very prevalent within Sai devotees is that if something goes wrong regarding anything is a result of Baba's will. He wanted it to happen so and it most probably is a test of faith. But then if that is the case, then what would justify a problem and what is a test of faith? I had to deal with this question also. I am sorry for taking you through so many ideas but I am purposely doing so to show you the level of mind control which is imposed on EVERY Sai devotee. How can such thinking be anything spiritual? Of course, to every Sai devotee, this is the way to Salvation since they are in the middle of it and they have full faith in the teachings which bring about such thoughts and mind control. I was going through so much mental decision-making and you would be surprised why I would do such a thing in the face of so many other experiences which I had with Baba. I will explain those experiences now.
I visited Sai Baba three times, on three straight summers. Once I stayed there one and half months, another time I stayed two and half months and the last time I was there for three and half. My first two trips I had seven interviews and a total of seven private interviews, with just me and Baba in the private interview room. Baba had materialized a gold ring with three stones which he told me were diamonds. The ring did not fit the finger on which Baba had placed it but I left it there regardless, as that was the finger Baba had chosen to put it on. Here I would like to mention that of the four rings which Baba has "materialized" for my family and myself, none of them fit correctly. In all the books regarding the "miracles" of Sai Baba, you will read that ALL such rings fit the person perfectly. I have never read a book were it was told that almost all rings fit perfectly. And also, later I found out that the stones were not diamonds. The stones after a while got black and two of the three fell out. I took this to mean that Baba is angry at me for not being good, for not practicing his teachings as well as I COULD, for trying and not doing.
Another thing that was interesting was that Baba would not be able to tell things correctly. In one instance I was told by him that the night before I had fever. I didn't, neither was I in any kind of heat. Perhaps he wanted me to, but I wasn't. I just let it go, destroyed it right there and then, that very instant. No doubts were allowed.
In my first private interview, Baba did a ceremony which is supposed to be sacred in Hinduism and is done to all the followers by their gurus. This practice involves the guru putting oil on his hand and pushing his hand upward between the front testicle and the back area. That area is supposed to be a special area which is very important to spiritual practice of the devotee. This action is supposed to awaken this area, which is supposedly full of energy, which will then play an important role in the thought of the devotees. In my case, it was more of the opposite and my thoughts were never changed for the better. I was getting worst as time passed.
In every private interview after that Baba would ask me to put down my pants while he massaged my testicle. I would reason that Baba perhaps is passing some energy to that area. Perhaps I had damaged that area or something in that area by playing with myself. I had found reasons in order to destroy any doubts that might come to mind. In one occasion, Baba was not just massaging it, he was trying to give me a hard on. The thought that he is doing so came to my mind then, but of course I destroyed it. Now, as an ex-devotee, I am able to see and think about what he was doing, rather than destroy it. At this interview, as he was pushing his hand back and forth on my testicle, I was telling him about many different things on my mind. Of course, I was so sure that he is doing the best thing for me that I was thinking of something else. I was telling him about the problems in my country of Iran, how the people are suffering, the problems of my family and my own problems. He couldn't get me hard so all of a sudden with anger and an angry face he threw my thing up against my stomach and with an angry face he turned his back to me. I thought he is probably angry at me because I should have more faith in him, he already knows all my problems, everything in my mind, and he will help me in whatever way he can. Actually, he was angry that I didn't get hard and so when he turned towards me he told me to put my pants up again. This was the only occasion which he kept some distance between me and him while he was playing with me. Every other time, he would hug me and do it. My question to those who believe that Baba's intentions in playing with me was pure is that if Baba says not a blade of grass moves without his will, then why does he have to touch me in that way to perform whatever pure intention or will he had in mind? Or is it that when he was playing with me, he was being good to me by giving me the privilege of being close to him and interact with him? For those who are not following, Sai followers believe that Baba knows all our inner thoughts and the reason why he talks to us is because he is trying to talk to us for our own enjoyment. He really doesn't have to talk at all or ask us questions regarding our lives since he is the All-knowing. He does so for our sake, so that we can talk to him and interact with him. Could it be that Sai Baba was playing with me in order to satisfy my needs to interact with him? And what kind of satisfaction did he - or do you - think I would get from that kind of interaction?
In almost all of such interviews, Baba would breath harder and sometimes he would make noises too. Something I forgot to tell you about the private interview above was that while I was telling Baba about these problems, his face was getting uneasy while he constantly, the whole time was looking down at my testicle. His eyebrows got twisted and his face got more and more upset as he was trying to play with me. I wonder why? He sometimes would tell me that I was weak there, there was too much being wasted from there, etc. Why then did he touch it? Was he fixing things? Why did he have to fix things by touching and rubbing and going back and forth?
In one interview, he stood up while I was kneeling on my knees. With his right hand, to took my head and put it against his stomach. With his left hand he took my right hand and put it against his testicle. He rubbed my hand there for a short while and this time he was making loud noises of ... I tried to look up to his face to see it, but he pushed my head hard against his stomach and did not allow me to look up. So, I didn't try again. While he took my hand there, I felt his testicle, although I didn't grab it, I just let him direct my hand and do whatever he wants. At the same time, I would touch him by the outside part of my hand. As I said before, he was making loud voices while he was doing that. This took about two minutes before he let go of me and my hand and said "This is God"!!! Whatever!!! It was his way of putting a controlled mind to think and find many answers to what that whole situation was all about. It was his way of covering the sick idea of having me touch him, and also covering his loud, wild voices. Anyhow, those of you who have a clear and logical mind understand me.
I had these experiences and still it took me over six months to deal with the movie that I mentioned before. After dealing with this movie, I went to look over some of the movies which we had about Baba. These movies are movies which are prevalent within Sai devotees. The very first movie which I watched is called "God lives in India". In that movie they showed about four or five instances which Baba cheats the "materialization" of ash - ash is supposedly holy and is supposedly being created by Baba from thin air. One of these instances is a very close, clear shot which shows Baba take something with his right hand from underneath of some letters in his left hand while bending over a bit to talk to someone. He then takes the letters by his right hand and cleans his left hand. Then he takes the letters from the right hand and immediately starts to motion his right hand in circular motion which is a "sign" that he is going to create something out of thin air. This shot is a close-up and very clear. After seeing this first movie, I knew the truth and didn't watch any other movies. I am sure if the other movies have segments that show Baba's actions twenty seconds prior to each "creation" of ash or whatever, you can see him cheating.
More recently, there was a movie on cable TV here in the US which showed Baba CHEAT on materialization of a ring or necklace, I don't remember. There was much argument about it on the internet newsgroups. Bon Giovanni, a Sai devotee, defended his opinion of what the movie showed by saying each person saw a different thing. What everyone, including Bon agree on is that Baba does some weird thing with his hand under a plate before he brings down his hand and starts to circle his hand. Sai devotees have their own way of thinking and so their own reasons and answers. It will be impossible to convince these people on anything. The more you use your reasons to find something or some way to prove your points, the more they will use their twisted reasoning to counter attack your ideas. Their counter attack is 99% illogical since they are used to twisting things around. Besides what good is a logical path which starts with "Baba is God..."? Baba is God, therefore, he couldn't have cheated on that movie, therefore, everyone sees a different thing when they see that movie. They don't think that what kind of motion is Baba making? Why is he making that motion? Why is he making it under the plate? Why the need of that motion? ecc.
So, I am looking forward to getting a lot of illogical responses to this essay. I welcome them and look forward to disproving any illogical ideas. I hope that their responses and my replies will give all of you a hint of how brainwashed the Sai devotees are and what a sorry state of mind they have. Hopefully, those Sai devotees who still have some reason left can benefit substantially from this and can overcome all mind control tricks that have been imposed on them. And, hopefully, all those who are considering Sai Baba, would have the luck to see these postings and can benefit from them too. I really hope so.
I would like to give an example of how illogical Sai devotees can be. The following are excerpts from
It's a great site at getting some information on Sai Baba's real personality. This is a quotation from John Hislop's book on Sai Baba. He was one of Sai Baba's closest followers and passed on a few years ago, still a devotee. You will find the following amusing.
"We can get a sense of Sai Baba's 'diagnostic ability' from the following account which happened to John Hislop.
110 - Sai Baba's Misdiagnosis of John Hislop's Medical Condition:
'While asleep in Brindavan in the month of October, 1978, without any prior warning to me, the prostate suddenly closed off the urethra. What happened then was agonizing, but nevertheless most comical. When Baba came down from his apartment, about 8 a.m., I told him that the urethra was closed and that already the bladder was very swollen. He smiled, said not to worry, and gave me vibhuti ["holy" ash]. About 11 a.m., he returned from inspecting some new construction and as he came to the veranda, both Dr. Goldstein and I approached him saying that my condition seemed to be serious. Baba came up to me, looked in my eyes, patted me on the head and said not to worry, it was just the heat. Then at 4 p.m., when Baba usually came down after rest, I did not wait, but sent a note upstairs that the situation was steadily getting worse and that now severe pains were moving back and forth throughout my body. Baba came down immediately. In the group of devotees waiting for him, there were, as usual, several physicians, including Dr. Goldstein from California. Without any discussion, Baba told the doctors to take me at once to the hospital and operate if necessary.
Now the comedy quickened. We got into several cars and went to Baba's hospital for women in Whitefield. The Medical Officer-in-Charge, Dr. Mrs. C. Rajeswari, made an examination room available, and the assembled doctors tried some 20 or more times to insert various sizes of catheters into the bladder, but with total failure.
By now I was in agony, although I bit my tongue and kept silent. It was the immediate decision of the doctors that an emergency opening would have to be made through the wall of the abdomen...
At Bangalore, the job was botched by the resident surgeons; heavy infection set in, and in three days Baba ordered me back to Brindavan... Baba arranged for the operation at the Whitefield hospital... The care was magnificent... The entire inside of my abdominal cavity was filled with virulent infection, and the tissues were so rotted that standard operating procedures could not be used...
Why the big comedy in the whole affair? It took me some time to figure it out... Why the deadly complications at the Bangalore hospital? ...Finally, at the time of another visit, I told Baba that I had figured the matter out. My conclusion was that I had come to the end of my natural life, Baba had let me go down to the final step, and at the last moment, he had reversed my natural death by giving me rebirth. Baba smiled and confirmed that what I said was true; he had given me new life. After returning home to Mexico in January, some continuing complications arose which took me into a Mexican hospital and then an American hospital. Baba sent word to not worry, that these were just rebirth pains.' [!?!?!?!??!?!]
John Hislop, My Baba & I, pp. 49-51."
I have always enjoyed reading this passage and still do enjoy it. Great comedy indeed!
One thing that I forgot to say is that on my last trip to India, there were about 20 American and Indian American college students which came to attend Baba's summer classes which mainly concentrate on spirituality. Some of these students considered themselves devotees, others had come to see and judge Baba for themselves. In an interview Baba "materialized" a ring or something else for either all of those students or majority of them. At least half of those students say that they saw Baba CHEAT. They reported that they saw Baba take and put things from the sides or back - I don't remember which one they said - of the chair that he was seating on. When I say the sides or the back I mean the sides of the cushion of the chair or the backside of the cushion. These students were firm in what they saw. After this interview, some four days later, Baba was out giving darshan - walking around, sometimes stopping to talk to some individuals, sometimes choosing individuals or groups of individuals for an interview. He stopped in front of the American students which were sitting in an area that was designated to them. He made the circular motion, and supposedly created some ash and threw it on one of the student's face. During this time, his back was to me. When he turned around I saw his face was very angry. He was pissed! As usual, as you know why, I didn't give importance to this. Later, one of the boys in the American group, with whom I had become very close told me that this student who was thrown ash to face and eyes was very vocal about what they had seen in the interview room, namely, Baba taking things from the chair on which he sat on. Now, if Baba's life is his message as he says so, then is it right that we act in this way when someone criticizes us? I am sure I'll get a few reasons as to why Baba did such a thing. Or at best, I might get something like Baba's intentions are not known to us and that I can't say why he did that. I'll be looking forward to reading the reasons. I welcome all comments and suggestions to my e-mail: email@example.com
Before I go, I urge all who are interested in Baba to see the movies that I mentioned and also to get to know Sai Baba devotees very personally. Be as close as you can to them as if they are your best friends. Study them and see if they have changed as a result of knowing Baba. I am sure you will come to the conclusion that although they are doing more service, their personality is kind of deceiving and hypocritical, since they proclaim one thing and act another. Another thing I would like to say is that all of the ex-devotees of Sai Baba that I know have realized that life was a misery to them while they were following Baba. Do not be fooled by the devotees that say they have peace of mind. I have seen many who proclaim better state of mind but really are very nervous people.
Thank you for your time and patience through my long and complicated story.
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